I have this entire week off of work. Our company closes twice a year, once the week of the 4th of July and the other the week of Christmas. It is great for me because my kids are home from school during both times, but strange also since I am use to working, a lot.
God has been dealing with me over the past three years, and He has come a long way in teaching me how to balance work with family.
For so long I poured myself into work, and the family - well they got the rest....the leftovers.
There are many reasons why I did this - but one of them was for how 'good' it felt for me.
You see work, (for the most part) was controllable to me. I could control much of my surroundings, my projects, how I portrayed myself. I reveled in the praise these accomplishments brought and strove for greater responsibility (and pay). Then, when I received either one, I had to pour more of myself into work, which just by basic math resulted in less of 'me' for my family.
My family ended up with the left-overs, of the left-overs - both in time and in my emotions and attention.
This was my way for years, and years, and years. I laughed at the idea of 'submission', to me that was outdated and for the weak. And, if I was to label myself it would have been 'Christian Feminist'.
How much I see now, those are two words that should never be grouped together. I understand now, I am nothing in and of myself. I also understand that it is not 'weak' to be submissive, just the opposite in fact - it takes a very STRONG person. Humble is not a put down, but something to be sought after.
So now, I find myself at home, without the obligation to check into work or finish a project before I play. It feels odd, but at the same time liberating and nice.
Last night, however, I was restless. My evening and my subsequent dreams that night - - even my prayers this morning. I felt like all of my thoughts were in a giant mix-master and I was just watching them spin around hoping to see something I could reach in and grab that made sense to me.
We have had so much change this year, and there is still more to come. Some things that I am fully aware of, and others that I simply have a 'feeling' are about to change, the burbling before the announcements. I think that was part of the 'restless' feelings.
The other part is the fact that I still struggle to let it all go to God. I still want to control, map out, script, full knowing that I can't.
So, today I decided to try to relax. I went to the pool with my Mother and Kids and just 'chilled'.
The restlessness has subsided a bit. Not because of my pool time, but because it allowed me to slow down enough to remember a few things.
God has not let me down yet....and He never will.
It is not about the things, or even people around me. My relationship is with God - the wonderful people and things that are in my life are just passing.
A gift from God - - for just a time as this.
Sometimes you meet awesome people, who help you become a better person - only for those people to move on. You keep them in your hearts, but that time....that special time....was just " " there - it was never meant to be forever.
Thank you God for being my Constant....even when I was not looking at you, or even for you. You were still there. The same yesterday, today, and forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment