Waking up low...

This morning, when I finally opened my eyes - I was filled with this low feeling.  Nothing too specific, just weary, tired....low.

I rolled out of bed...shuffled through the halls to the living room, grabbed the iPad and shuffled back to bed.  All snuggled up, nestled between pillows opened Youversion, clicked on my reading plans...to find I had just finished the last one I was on.

I was not in the mood to search for a new one to start - but I thought I would give it a quick try.  I stumbled immediately on 'She Reads Truth: Philippians' and decided to give it a go.

It was exactly what I needed to read this morning!  Thank you God for providing the little things that end up meaning so much.

Waking up feeling low, reading the "Set Your Chains Aside" entry spoke to me so much.  It gave me the boost I needed, the ability to lean into scripture to bring me to prayer.

Paul makes no promise that they will see the fruits of their labor now – that the Gospel-sowing work they are doing in the lives of their unbelieving loved ones will be theirs to also reap. He doesn’t tell them to expect things to get easier or better or simpler. He just encourages them where they are, with a sure confidence to remember the bigger picture – to persevere. That all the good that has begun in that community is pointing to something greater – the “day of Jesus Christ”!

As I read this, I thought of the chains of fear I have allowed to hold me.  I have burried my head in the sands of fear and regret for so long, and in doing so - missed the beauty that is around me...even in the midst of trouble.  The small things that are so easy to miss - if you are not aware of your surroundings, the people, the smiles...

God has placed wonderful individuals in my life, some who are strong, some who are coming out of pasts just like mine - who need to feel what I felt this morning.  Hope.

And as fleeting as that feeling may be.  The instant that the truck pulled out in front of me, or the individual cut in front of me at the fountain, or....you get the point.

I choose hope.  I choose grace, because grace has been given to me.  I choose love.

God will provide....

We have been going through a bit of a financial struggle lately.  We have had a lot of changes over the past month, had to replace a car, almost a 40% increase in the cost of our medical insurance, and just your basic unexpected expenses that come with raising children.  Just your regular type of life related expenses that, when all lumped at one time - are painful...to say the least.

I have been praying and praying for God to help direct me out of this.  To place my feet on the path that would help us to become more stable, and less well - less stressful...who doesn't want that.

Last night, while I was working on my finances, it happened.  Not a downpour from heaven made of money - but it all started to fit into place on the paper.  I had a sense of calm, and provision.  I could see the light at the end of the dark tunnel - and a path began to emerge that would allow us to climb out of this setback.   Then, we had a breakthrough that reduced a bill we owed - out of nowhere.  Thanks God!

This will not be a quick climb - it will take some time - but there is a path - there is plan again and there is the future. 

My prayer will be to continue to ask God for wisdom in my day to day life,  blessing and favor in his eyes, and for my ears to continue to be open to God's voice and direction in my life. 

“I relieved his shoulder from the burden;

his hands were freed from ⌊carrying⌋ the basket. 

7You called out in distress, and I rescued you;

I answered you from the thundercloud. 

I tested you at the waters of Meribah. ~ Selah "

Psalm 81:6-7

 Please, Lord, keep me humble.  Please keep my will subject to your will, and my heart sealed to your heart.

 

Trust...small word...huge meaning

As we continue along the path towards election day...I feel myself becoming overwhelmed.  Not just because of election day - but because that is - - yet one more - - thing that requires attention from me. 

Between the daily things of cleaning, cooking, bills, etc. - you throw into the fray the all important event of casting your vote for the next President of these United States...and then of course all of the things that drudges up with it.

For me, it's a lot this year.  Before you look at the candidates you have to first - look at yourself.  You have to find our grounding, your balance and your buttons...

Where is my North, where is my center, what beliefs are core and central to me?

Then you take that - and you weigh the candidates against it. 

For me, this has felt like the first time I have ever voted...I have changed SO MUCH over the past four years - and I am sometimes a little uncomfortable in my own skin.

I have realized that my views have changed on some things - - which will require me stepping outside of yet another comfort zone.

That, along with the fact that this will be my Son's first voting experience - brings with it all kinds of new challenges.

I want to teach him to vote truly for what he believes - never just simply a party line.  I want him to feel empowered, and confident.

However, this entire experience is leaving me weary and desperately wishing I could retreat to some dark corner and sleep until this is all over.

Part of me wishes I could call a time-out.  This election is really coming at an inconvenient time in my life right now.  I have so many things on my plate. I am in the grips of rediscovering my true north and trying to continue to balance life as well.

But, since the world does not revolve around me, that request will never be heard - let alone heeded.

So, I find myself feeling like I'm in a boat, tossed about at sea, desperately trying to keep my eye on the lighthouse that veers in and out of my line of vision as the storm rages around me.

I - - want to control it - but I can't.  I want to figure it all out like a puzzle, where every piece has its place, but that isn't reality.

Trusting God is what I need to do, want to do, and have to do.  However I find myself playing chicken with him instead.  Me on one side, my 'Problem' in the middle and God on the other - rushing towards each other as we get closer and closer and I feel the pressure of an impending deadline - who will blink first?  The answer is me.  It's always me.  At that 11th hour - I panic and grab the 'Problem' back at the last second and veer out of the path  - because I think I need to do it, I need to solve it, I lose faith, I let fear take over and re-claim what I have trusted to God to handle.

What I need to do, is...not blink.  Not flinch.  Not grab it back.  If I could only make it past that last moment - even if I have to close my eyes so tight I see stars - breathing that prayer of God, I trust you!  Just to finally open them and see that He did handle it.  I feel that I could conquer this fear, and this necessity to reclaim everything I say I trust God with - but I only trust him in my timing, in my comfort zone.

I feel that right now.  I am at that moment.  My heart feels like it is racing.  My mind is frantically jumping from one possibility to the next of what my options can be...what "I" can do, how "I" can fix this...my hand hovering over the problem - but no quite snatching it back...yet.  My mind is so full of possible solutions - that I find myself not even thinking of God.

So, I write this.  I admit it.  I tell myself to STOP.  I tell God I will be still and pray - believing He will show me the path He wishes me to take, not the path I take out of panic and fear.

This morning, my devotional was amazing - and it really spoke towards this. 

1. Proverbs 3:5-6 says "Trust the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

In what areas do you need to stop leaning on your own understanding and trust God instead?

Prayers answered...

My daughter has had braces on her teeth for a couple years.  Recently, the Orthodontist let us know that a stubborn tooth was refusing to move down and come out, so they wanted to go in and expose it with surgery.  Of course, I didn't want to have to get this done - no surgery is without possible complications.  So...

I prayed.

I asked God to please allow that tooth to move into it's normal place so we did not have to resort to the surgery.  Amen.

However, like the good Mom that I am (or maybe I should say the woman who struggles with faith) - I went ahead and kept the pre-op appointment, and scheduled a day for surgery - hoping and praying that I would not have to keep it.

This weekend, my daughter make a passing comment while we were watching TV...hmm she said - I think I feel something, I wonder if it's that tooth coming through.

Today, we met with her Orthodontist to have him look at it - and sure enough - it's THE tooth - the one we have been waiting and praying for.  It has not only moved, but is beginning to peak out.

We get to cancel the surgery date and I am so excited to proclaim that God answered my prayer.  Why?  I don't know.  Why he chose this one to answer and not some of the other ones that I have begged for?  I don't know.

All I do know is that he answered this one, and for that I am so thankful.

Walking the Walk...

I am so excited about an upcoming event.  It's not until January - but I am still excited.  Our church will be participating in our City's Prayer Walk.  Churches from around our city, all denominations, will be taking one or more mile segments that surround our City, and on January 6th we will be walking and praying.

How awesome is that?!?

This will be something that will be in my heart from today till the event, praying for God's love to be shown to the community, for a uniting flame to be lit between denominations, and for God's heart to be made manifest to those in this City.

Short post, but sweet!  I will be posting more as we progress to this date!

Life beginning to focus...

As I continue down a path to bring me closer to God, life does not stop and wait for me to get there.  Wouldn't that be so nice if it did?  If you could say, OK - I have identified where I need to be - now if everything around me could just freeze for a moment while I get there - that would be just awesome!

Come on, I know I am not the only one who thinks like this.

However, life does not stop.  The things we did yesterday, last week, last month, last year - - they are still with us.  Sometimes blurring the lines of reality as we continue on our journey.

We find ourselves squinting to try to make out the directions, the map...but still feel tired and unsure.

Then, just when we are about to give up hope...it happens...

You see it...a little at first then it begins to get clearer and clearer and before you know it you see it again.

You notice that not everything in your life has been brought into focus, just a little.  But it gives you the energy, the inertia, the desire to continue on.

You can start to make out the word, then you remember what is was that has brought you this far.

Hope in things not yet seen, in things not yet known.

You remember that you are not alone.  That God is so much more than anything you could ever face.  That with God you can accomplish anything.

You may doubt yourself, your ability, even your motives at time.  But, when you focus on God all of those things become clear.

This, I need to always remember. The only time this becomes blurred is when I travel too far away from him.  If i keep focus on God...you will be able to handle the things that our out of focus in your life.

Faith and the little things...

With my mind swirling constantly of late due to the many things that have to be done, paid for, completed, followed up on, and basically just done over the next month...I find it hard to settle down and just focus.  I feel like I am constantly going every direction - all day - every day.

It's hard to wind down at night and I find myself talking myself into bed at Midnight - just because I know its late - not because I am sleepy.

Yesterday, in a usual rush - I stuck a $10 bill in my pocket.  I usually do not put money in my pockets - but yesterday for some reason - I did.

Later that morning, I put my hand in my pocket and realized - hey I still have $10 in here.  I thought to myself that I should put it in my purse - however my purse was in my office - and I was not. 

The rest of the morning was a blur.  Meetings, Phone Calls, Expense Reports, Travel Arrangements - you name it.

At lunch, I decided I wanted to go down to the Quick Trip on the corner and get a big Iced Tea!  Great Idea!

It was election day here yesterday for various primaries in our state.  The parking lot was very busy, because they have a poling place here at our church on voting days. 

As I made my way to my car - I noticed all the different people coming in & going out of the polling place.

I arrived at Quick Trip, got my drink and proceeded to the counter.  At that point I realized that I never put my $10 in purse - so I reached into my pocket to retrieve the money.

It was at that point I realized - - - It was not there.

I checked my other pockets, my purse, my wallet - - nope not there.

I handed my debit card to the cashier, got my drink and went back to my car - all the while thinking about where that money may be.

Checked my car - No.  Got back to the office - checked my office, around the floor, in the bathroom - basically retraced my steps for the morning.  Nothing.

As I sat down at my desk, a thought popped in my mind.  Finish, and trace your steps to your car. 

I remember thinking -well that's silly - if I dropped it outside - its gone.

But, I kept thinking to try.  So, I got up.  Walked downstairs.  Opened the door and looked at the parking lot.  I didn't see anything.  Im sure it's not there.

Then I thought...just go - walk towards your parking place.

So, I did.

To my utter amazement.  There it was.  Laying on the ground about 10 feet from the entrance to the building.

How many people have walked right by this!  I was shocked - I picked it up and walked back to my office.

Was that God?  I thought to myself?  Was it?

Did he keep it there, hide it even so no one else saw it?

Was that him prodding me to go down and look?  Even though I thought it was a silly waste of time, because there was NO way it would still be there.

I believe it was.  I believe he was showing me he cares about the little things.  He does.  To  me, I think He has better things to do than to worry about my lost $10 - however he is God!  He is saying - I can do ALL thinks - I am never overwhelmed, too busy to care for my children.

Thank you God for showing me your love, care and reinforcing in me the fact that nothing is too big - - or too small for you!

 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34

The woman in the picture

Last week we had a team building day.  It was fun, and I enjoyed it a lot.  However, when the pictures surfaces on Facebook...well that was hard. 

Who was that woman standing there?  I recognized her face, but not her body.  It was so large, so oafish... it was me.

The human mind is a complex and scary thing.  It can take a 100 lb woman and make her feel like she is obese, and it can take a woman who is way overweight and make her feel ok...

For the most part, when I look into the mirror I do not see this large woman.  However, if I glance at my reflection in a store mirror or shinny window...the image always disturbs me.

I have 'talked' about losing weight for years.  However, I continue in the same habits that have gotten me where I am now.

I have tried all kinds of diets and exercise to no avail.   I do not lose weight, then get busy with life and forget to prep food - get hungry - and reach for whatever is available to me.

What it boils down to is the horrible lack of self-discipline.  Honestly that's it.

So, staring at that picture of Facebook...of me...of that person...that shell...I had enough. 

My knees have been begging me to lose it, my hips have been begging me as well.  My body slowly but surely lacking the mobility it once had.  Simply snuggling up on the couch and tucking my legs beneath me is a chore - and will always result in my legs falling asleep.

My clothes just get tighter and tighter - something needs to give.

As I read through my own blog, I find a post back in April of this year.. 'When Subtle Doesn't Work', and I am shocked that I have let 4 months pass without doing much of anything.  Quite embarrassing honestly.  And, to be totally transparent - I did attempt to get going then.  I did the good grocery shopping and bought the right stuff - however preparation fell short and the cookies in the break-room called - and I answered.

Excuse, excuse - I know.

All I can say is - I need to pick myself up - jump back on the wagon - and give it a go.

Questions for any of you who read this.   Weight Loss?  What has worked for you?  Any tips/tricks encouragement from those who have been where I am now - is greatly appreciated!

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:13

The Ripple Effect...

Our lives spill into each other - really that is unavoidable.  The ripple effect happens in all of our lives.

When it first happens, or when we are close to the center it is the worst.  As time goes on the waters begin to settle - not quite back to how they were before...things may never be the same as they were before.

We find that we were carried a bit from the inertia of the ripple.  We look around to see that we did not end up exactly how or where we started when the event first took place and the waters in our lives were disturbed.

Sometimes, we end up in a better place - a place where we didn't even know we wanted to be - until we were there.

Other times it is very bitter sweet.  We miss where we were.  We loved it there.  We lost innocence, trust, security...all things that can easily be disturbed.

Sometimes, when we think we have finally began to feel like our lives are resembling some kind of normalcy - the waters are disturbed once again.

Sometimes by things we do, and sometimes by things done by others - totally outside of our control.

We had a bit of that happen in our family last night.

Someone we had not seen in a long time.  Someone who violently disturbed the waters of our family.  Someone who - not out of the intention to hurt - but simply so wrapped up in themselves - caused ripple effect in our family that touched each and every one of us.

What do you do?  The feelings that rush back...  The emotions that are stirred that had just finally settled...

You pray.  Pray that God will someday at some point reach this person.  Pray that the bitterness they have will be touched by the hand of God and his love.

This is important - however one of the most difficult things I have had to learn to do.

Pray - Just - Pray.

I use to think of it as a weak response, a cop out of sorts.

Then I realized how much strength that requires.

So, this morning as I type this - I ask God to calm the waters in my life.  In my husband's life.  In my daughters life, and in my son's life.

I ask God to speak to my family in love, remove blinders we may have to see his plan.

Learn to be quiet and listen for God's voice.

Exhale, and learn to ride the wave until the waters once again begin to still.

Fall-ing...

September 22nd.  That is the first day of fall for 2012.  Now, I live in Arizona - for those of you who do not know - we do not have four seasons as depicted on most calendars and cards.  I grew up here, so thinking about fall the way the rest of the country does - was strange for me.  However, once you live there - in that world - where leaves turn amazing colors and fall to the ground...you will never be the same.

So, here I am back in Arizona.  Changes in my live over the past 5 years have brought me out of the cold corporate culture of ladder climbing and social pursuit - and into the amazement of what is God's world.

I could so easily spend hours upon hours, days upon days, regretting everything I let slip away - the years of focus that was misspent. The moments I will never get back, because they are gone.  The things my religion of Work robbed me of - and I willfully and with enthusiasm let it.

If I do that though, I lose more.  At some point you need to acknowledge the things you have done wrong, ask forgiveness from those you hurt along the way, and then make that step over the boundary of your comfort zone to live different.  You have to make the choice to not spend one more day wasting your precious life on regretting the past or not trying each and every day to live your life to your fullest potential.

This point was brought to the forefront this morning when I got to work and I received the news that someone in our congregation had passed away in an accident last night.  I was not close to this person, I knew them and their family - however - that moment of realization again - of how each moment of our life may be our last.  He went out to run an errand, and was struck by a reckless driver.  He never came home.  His family, wife, children...  In a literal instant...everyone's reality was altered.

My deepest prayers go out to this family, as does the prayers of so many. 

No moment should go by without thought.  No time should be ignored.  No petty thing should take our focus off of the amazing gift of life we have been given.

This month, as we close out this season and prepare to enter another one.  I will allow myself to fall in love with it.  I will allow myself to look around my world and appreciate the oh so subtle way our surroundings will make a quiet transformation from one season to another. 

Hold on to the ones that I love.  Find ways to spend precious moments with them.  Special ways to make memories that will last long before this season of my life has passed.

I choose...

It's amazing how things happen sometimes.  You think you are prepared, you think you are going along just fine...or do we?

Last night as I was sitting on the couch, watching TV out of one eye and perusing the iPad with the other - - a thought came to me...just out of the blue...nothing to do with what I was watching or what I was looking at on the iPad...

What about me?

You see, I have made great strides in my spiritual walk of late.  I have spent more time in scripture and prayer, I have spent time meditating on verses and really working on my overall outlook on life.

So, why this thought?

Why now?  What does it mean?

I stopped for a bit and thought about it.  I looked at my life, and my schedule.  I had tapered off a bit.  I had once again let the mornings turn into a couple extra snooze button hits and a little less of a purposeful focus on my morning time with God.

Earlier in the day I had posted a picture to Facebook...sometime I saw a friend post and I liked it so much....so I reposted.

My mind drifted back to this post, hours later as I sit on the couch...

What would I have woken up with this morning if this happend?  What did I go to sleep last night thinking about?  What did I spend my day thinking about?  Thanking God for?

I felt a bit convicted.  Because, once again I felt the ever so slight slip into apathy happening.  It's always small at first, very very slight.

In fact, if you were to verbalize it to anyone they would say you were being silly and oversensitive.

However, that's how it starts.  What AM I thankful for?

I stopped and asked God to forgive me.  I thanked him for the reminder, the nudge if you will, before I wandered too far.  Before I found myself completely moving away from morning time with God, in his word.  Before I let my evenings run full on into my night - finding myself crashing form awake into exhaustion and bed without a quiet transition to thank God, to talk to him before I close my eyes for the night.

These thoughts went through my mind.  As I lay in bed I start to think about junk, stress, problems and I ask God to renew my mind - to speak peace into my heart.

The next thing I know, my husband is waking me up.  It's 3am.  He was heading into work and his car battery was dead.  He asked me what he should do....jump it....take the other car....what did I have planned...did I need a specific car?  All this was a quiet half sleeping conversation we had in a whisper.  We decided that he should just take my car and I would figure out the battery in the morning.  He left, I went back to sleep.

When I woke up, I realized.  I was not upset, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed...I was ok.  I arranged for school transportation, a jump and headed to get a new battery, then off to work.  It all worked out beautifully...really.  Why?

I think God was tapping my shoulder last night because he knew what my morning would entail.  He knew I had gotten busy and distracted lately, and knew my nerves were getting frayed, and I was getting tired.  He knew....I didn't what the morning was going to be like.

He whispered in my heart, prepared me for the morning.  He did what I needed before I knew I needed it.

He prepared me to wake up to focus on the things I have, the blessings I have been given, not the problems, temporary inconveniences and/or setbacks.

Thank you God for caring enough about me to give me this gift of your love. 

For this day...I choose...happiness.  Today I acknowledge how grateful I am, how thankful I am, how blessed I am.

Catch me if you can...

Do you ever feel like your life get's stuck in a free fall?   You have a little stumble, then trying to recover - you trip again - and from there on out it's a series of trips, staggers and bumbles until you either catch your balance on something - or you end up face down on the floor.

Well, that was me this weekend.  I tripped, then instead of catching myself - I got distracted and then my one trip turned into another, and another until I was free falling.

Somewhere between the last trip and the time you hit the ground...the free fall...is where you realize everything that had lead up to this point.  Every word, decision, action or inaction....and then it's too late.  You are full on..free falling with no ability to stop.  Your preverbal arms & legs flailing without purpose.

That's not a fun place to be...and the landing (when you do finally land) well usually its just as bad...sometimes worse.  Sometimes the landing will leave you with bruises that will take a while to heal...and even worse...sometimes you involve someone else in your landing and hurt them as well.

So, there I am...stuck in a free fall.  Mind racing, feeling like I have a blender lose in my gut, blood pressure raising...all together a bad feeling all around.

Then, what happens? Well, God happens.  That is, when you let him.

In the past, I would have continued on the free fall until I finally reached the bottom....blaming, pointing  fingers - to others - to God - to whoever I could...

This weekend...something different.

I heard God.  I know, I know... someone will have the thought pop in their head about what does God sound like, and how can you know it's God and not just yourself?

Well, all I can say about that is this...

God does not have a voice, but he has a voice.

God does not sound like me, or like anyone else.

God does speak to me, and many others though...

How do I know it's God.  Well, I didn't for a long time - and after awhile of ignoring this  "voice" I rarely heard it any more.  Some people will say - Oh, that's just your conscience speaking...not God.  But, there is something in me that tells me otherwise.

For instance.  This weekend.  Full-on Free Fall.  Flailing to blame, grab hold of any reason, etc....and with some ability to actually point to some people who were acting rude, insensitive, and wrong...I heard God....

He said to stop.  It's not them, its you.  It's your heart.  As long as you try to blame and point... you will continue to fall until you crash.  So, just stop.  Hold out your hands, and let Me catch you.  They are not your job, it's none of your business - what is your business is that you stop...let go...and reach out to Me.

Just stop.

As I am arguing with my daughter...just stop.

As I am boiling inside due to unmet expectations...just stop.

As I am feeling overwhelmed...just stop.

As I am letting anger, hurt, and bitterness seep in...just stop.

Just stop.

God can stop a free fall...a full-on free fall.  Without having to wait till you land.  He can stop it, and place you on the ground.

But, you have to let him.  You have to let him catch you by letting go of having to be right, having to make that person realize they are insensitive and rude, having to prove anything.

You have to let it go...let God...and Just Stop.

"The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become - because He made us.  He invented us.  He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be.  It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own." ~ CS Lewis.

Stormy weather...

When storms hit in nature - they are awesome and beautiful.  When they hit in my life...they are devastating and hard.

We received some news last night that kicked me in the gut.  I have been asking God to intervene ever since.  My heart is heavy and my faith is weak.  However, I will not cave.

I will not cave to the flesh.  I will keep my eyes on Jesus.  I will keep my faith, however flickering the flame is in the storm, lit.  I will not turn away.  I will not loose hope.  I will continue to know my God will provide.

If there is one thing that I am realizing through my journey - is that God is more powerful than anything.  He is not bound by any power.  His power is above all else.

This is hard for me to grasp.  Because, I think - how can he be above all - what about finances - what about institutions made by man who are under rules and regulations that were created by man and enforced by man....how can that be?

Then I realize - I will never understand it all.  God is beyond my understanding and grasp.  He is God.  He is.  There is really nothing else to say but that.

To even try to make sense of what he can and cant do....is futile.

Because it is not a question of what he can or cant do.  It is what he will or will not do.

And the reasons why he will or will not - well that is God.

Everything is under his power and dominion.

Thank you God.  Thank you for finally making me realize that if I could ever understand you, if I could ever figure you out....that would mean I would have to reduce you to my mind.  You are so far above anything I can comprehend.

I am still waiting to see how this situation will pan out.  But, I have faith in God that he is there, I am not alone, he hears my heart and he knows the plan.

I am still asking God to intervene, and I believe that he is working in ways I can not see.  If anything this situation, this problem, has for the first time in my life - brought me to the realization that he is there, he is here, he is with me - and I have to let it go to him that he knows best and will provide.

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow now reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father fees them.  Are you not of more value than they?  And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  Andy why are you anxious about clothing?  Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is live and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or  'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.  Matthew 6:25-34 (ESV)

Thanks interrupted...

Today has not started out the best.  First day back to school...First day of High School for my youngest...First start of the school year that my oldest was not heading to school...

The best laid plans of mice and...well me...did not go off as expected.  And, to my shame my daughter and I did not depart ways with smiles and hugs - but rather with frustration and irritability.

Was it all my fault...no...does fault even matter...no....not in this case...not when you are a mother.

We have since made up and the day is moving in the right direction.  Not because of any intervention...simply because I chose to not fight - and accept the day as it comes at me.  With thankfulness that I am able to be alive to even feel stress, or have my plans interrupted.

So, with that thought - I am putting aside the stress, the frustration - and saying Thank You God for a beautiful day.  For all the blessings you have bestowed on my family.  For the love and favor you have given us.  For the undeserved ways you have provided for us....Thank You.

On that thought - I will leave you with a favorite verse...

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you:  Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going to work, and walking around life - and place it before God as an offering.  Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.  Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.  Instead, fix your attention on God.  You'll be changed from the inside out.  Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.  Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity.  God brings the best out of you, develops well formed maturity in you.  Romans 12:1-2

Don't cry over lost Srirache...

Arguing over Srirache Sauce...Yes you read that right.  As I laid there on the couch last night, after my husband went to bed - I could not believe we had a fight over Sriracha Sauce...how ridiculous was that?!?  I finished watching my TV show, browsing through Pinterest - got ready for bed and climbed in for a nights sleep...still a bit irritated.

This morning, as I woke up to the persistent shrill alarm clock, rolled out of bed, grabbed the ipad, opened Youversion and began my morning scripture reading - I realized....it wasn't the Srirache Sauce at all.  It wasn't that my Son didn't put it back in the refrigerator door where someone else could find it, it wasn't that he puts Srirache on absolutely everything, it wasn't that at all.

Here is what it was...

Feeling out of control.  Feeling unheard.  Feeling like you don't matter.  Feeling unloved.

Really, I think, that is what it usually is when we react negatively to seemingly insignificant things.

We do not feel loved. Why?

When we love something we take care of it.  When we love something, it takes a priority.

I don't do dishes because I like to do dishes...I do them because walking into a clean kitchen makes you feel at ease.  You can relax.  You don't feel like you have to do something.

It is sometimes the little things in life that can make or break a day for someone.  To us, it seems trivial, silly even.  But to them - it is the one little thing that makes them feel special, loved, important.

I love this quote from Mother Teresa, because it is the small things (putting condiments back in the door of the refrigerator) that can sometimes speak volumes.  The little things that take only a small amount of time, can reflect great love to those who are on the receiving end.

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” ― Mother Teresa

Trusting God...

Opening up has always been difficult for me.  Maybe that is why I have tried to use this blog as some kind of way to ease myself into it.  After all, this is a great way to be open while still holding on to some sort of anonymity.

I have noticed my inability to relax towards some areas of my life - while in others - well lets just say the lack of attention is disturbing.  I don't think I am that 'unusual', but as I discover this about myself it is unpleasant - to say the least.  Not that I haven't suspected this to be true - but until you actually admit it to yourself...well you get where I am going with this.

There is so much change going on in my life - that at times - I feel utterly overwhelmed with the simplest of things.  The crazy part is - I driven to try to control the areas of my life that are the most complicated - not releasing them to God - and at the same time ignoring an area that is so simple...I can do something about it.

The solution is really so simple, yet so difficult for me to actually do.  That is, letting go of the difficult, and focusing my attention on the simple.

To me this is like not trying to extinguish the roaring fire in front of me, and instead watering the flowers.  On one had it makes absolutely no sense!  The house is burning to the ground, and I am watering the daisies...

That is what I feel like.  However, what I am have to come to grips with is this....

I will be more successful watering the flowers (which need to be watered) than trying to extinguish the tempest of fire in front of me....with a simple garden hose.

If I continue to try to extinguish the flames with a tiny hose...I will lose both the house and the flowers.  However, by calling on the name of God, and leaving the fire-fighting to him, He will save the house - and allow me to tend to the flowers.

Sometimes, the hardest thing to do...is to just get out of the way.

 I have more than one raging fire in my life right now.  So, feeling overwhelmed is the understatement of the year really.

However, with each new day...

With each new prayer...

With each new verse I read in the Bible...

God is showing me how to let go.  How to get out of the way.  How to trust.  How to love.  And, most importantly how to know my place in the world He created. How to allow Him to work in His time.

How to love without preconditions.

How to live with purpose.

How to have faith in the darkest of times.

How to trust...God...with everything.

Quick to listen...

Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear.  God's righteousness doesn't grow from human anger. So throw all spoiled virtue and cancerous evil in the garbage. In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your life.  ~ James 1:19-21 (msg)

This verse has been on my mind a lot lately.  It was one of those things that crept up on me...not a booming voice from heaven..but a consistent small quiet reminder - day after day.

I realize, when I am honest with myself and look back, that I have stumbled in this area so much in my life.  I tend to be quick to talk, slow to listen, quick to frustration - then anger.  I realize that a lot of confrontations in my life, have resulted because of not following this Biblical principle.

It's hard for a control freak to realize that you can not force anyone to believe, adhere to, or buy into anything simply by dominating the conversation to get your point across.  If they do, ever, decide to relent - it's not out of them being able to see your point - as much as them being beaten down verbally to the point of exhaustion...and relenting is the only way out.  You can't strong arm beliefs into people.

I see this as a major issue in the past year when it came to the spiritual questions I had with my son.  He had doubts, questions  - and they scared me - so I did what I do best.   Bombard him with information.  This only put a wedge between us.  Thanks be to God, who did not give up trying to reach me with the truths of this verse.  He not only saved my sanity, but was able to keep me from damaging my son's relationship with God, as well as me.

It was so hard for me to grasp the idea that God is more powerful than any words I can say - even when those words are true.  The Holy Spirit convicts, I only confuse and frustrate.

God has taught me to stop, listen, pray - - and that prayer is so much more powerful than anything else I can do.

Heavy posts that challenge you to move...

I clicked on a blog post the other day, never realizing what an impact it would have on me.  As I read through the blog and hung on every word, I realized a few things about myself.  Things I am sure the author was not even considering when she wrote this post...but that affected me in my inner most depths.


I have been asked by friends, acquaintances, and even at times - my own children.


How can God allow such suffering in the world?  How can he look at the innocent children, and not do something?  How can he sit back in his heavenly realms and watch catastrophe strike the earth and thousands upon thousands affected by senseless acts of violence, natures fury, and heartless individuals?  Some even go so far as to say...If there really is a God, a God who can allow such suffering to go on - so many innocent children suffer at the hands of tyrants...I don't want to know him.


Until this blog post - these questions could only be answered one way by me...I would say...


We do not know the whole picture, only God does.  There is suffering in the world because there is sin, there are horrible people who choose to do unspeakable things because they have the ability to do that through free will.  God gave us the beauty that is free will, and some choose to use it for evil.  And, this earth is not our home, but merely a stopping place....


All well and good....then I read this blog post.  And, I realized something new.


The blog I am talking about is A Holy Experience by Ann Voskamp.  And, the post was 'The 1 Thing You Really Have to Know About Your Family'.  This post shook my very core.


I was reading along fine...then came to this paragraph...


I’m angry that I’ve seen and I’m ashamed that I am angry and I’m angry that I’ve seen and now I am responsible. More than respons-able – we’re response-bound.Once we have seen the poor, we are responsible — we will make a response. As long as your heart is beating, there’s no such thing as unresponsive. We all look into the face of the poor and it’s either Yes, I will help. Or no, I won’t.


What honest words.... admitting you are angry because you saw something, now knowing you have to act on that.  You simply can't say.... "I had no idea it was that bad", or "I didn't know what was going on oer there", you now know.


That started my decent into the rabbit hole that day.  I realized that my answer to the questions about God and why he allows suffering, and how he can just sit by an watch it...was...well...an easy answer.  I was saying...I don't know...No one knows God....We just sit here in our comfortable houses, drinking our fancy coffees, watching our latest guilty pleasure on high definition TV's, pinning pretty little things on Pinterest, planning our next vacation or girls night out...leaving that question up in the air like a balloon slowly losing its helium.   The elephant in the room, we dare not speak of...the cop out that will allow us to sleep at night.


I realized the answer to that question is not "I don't know".


When someone asks "How could a loving God create a world full of poverty and sadness and suffering and not do anything about it?" 


The answer is...He did…He created you and me ….and I don’t know why we are not doing anything about it…

Patience is more than endurance...

I can't believe it has been three months since I posted anything.  So much has gone on...thus the reason for lack of posts.  I was having a hard time juggling everything that was coming my way.  Let's see if I can sum it all up a bit...

• My son is going into the Air Force, a lot of prep for that, a lot going on.
• A very dramatic roller coaster of events and emotions regarding a person in our life, a relationship turned toxic...I never thought I would go through such a turmoil, personal, emotional...took it's toll.
• My daughter is heading into High-School....let me rephrase...My 'baby' Girl is heading into High School...happy/nervous all in one.
• My husband and I are making some much needed, very overdue changes in our lives for the better...however change is never easy and you realize that there are a lot of ancillary things that come along with change...never the less...it will all be good in the long run.

So, here I am.  In so many areas of my life I am not only outside of my comfort zone....in some areas I can't even see my comfort zone from where I am.  This is very scary, however God is brining me though this in ways I never knew he would.  In some ways they are small ones, little things - words of comfort, gestures of kindness that help you through the really tough moments. 

Some ways are a complete surprise to me.  Things like how pain can bring two people together, how sometimes the one thing that brings solace is not a resolution to a problem...but just knowing you are not alone.

I am working, every day, on learning how to lean more on God.  I am trying to find ways to fortify God in our family.  Ways to bring His truth into our lives.  Ways to help bridge the knowledge gap between the God of the Old Testament and the fulfillment of his promises with Jesus in the New Testament.

Things tumbling around in my mind are ways to educate the family on traditions of the Old Testament, to show how they point to the New - but it's all new to me so there is a huge learning curve here.

In any case.  This blog only continues to speak more and more about my life...about living outside of my comfort zone...about stretching yourself...learning more...reaching out...and even though I feel like a human piece of salt water taffy on the pull sometimes...I know it is for the good of me, my family, and  those in my life both now and in the future.

“Patience is more than endurance. A saint's life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says--'I cannot stand anymore.' God does not heed, He goes on stretching till His purpose is in sight, then He lets fly. Trust yourself in God's hands. Maintain your relationship to Jesus Christ by the patience of faith. 'Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.” ― Oswald Chambers

when subtle does not work...

I have known for awhile that I have needed to lose weight and get in shape.  I have known.  I have told myself on a daily basis - sometimes more than one time a day - a lot of the time I thought of it at every meal with every bite.  I thought about it when I was hot, when I was cold, when I walked by a mirror or a reflective surface...ok you get it - It has been on my mind for awhile.

I have tried to be subtle with myself.  I have thought about diets, exercise....in theory.  I have tried to start a regimen or a diet but have soon after resorted back to the old way of doing things due to my schedule....or let's just be honest here....my lack of will power and drive.

So, what does this tell me?  Two things actually...

1. I am full of excuses and laziness.

2. Being in shape is so far outside of my comfort zone....I can't even really see it.....

Point #2 is the one that brings this home to me.  That is the reason I started this blog.  To find things outside of my comfort zone and then tackle them!

So, the question is...How do I start?

Answer:  I don't know.  And, that my friends is where I usually stay....at that one statement....frozen... paralyzed...then defeated and lost.


What I do know is...

- I do not want to start a fad diet that will fail.
- I do not want to try to become a buff athlete.
- I do not want to fail...

- I want to be healthy.
- I want to be a good influence on my children.
- I want to look back one year from today and see a change...for the better.
- I want to start...now...today...
- I want to succeed!!!

A few things that I have come across when trying to figure out what plan to follow is usually boils down to the cost.  Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Metafast, all of those plans are expensive.  They don't seem to be at first, but they add up...you see your grocery bill inflate to crazy levels.

Then I remember the acronym you hear in business all the time.... KISS

Keep It Simple...Stupid!

Portion Size.  Frequency.  Non-Processed.  Get Out There.

I know I will need to work on some tangible goals, micro-goals if you will to get me to the ultimate goal.  So, that will be my first step.  MicroGoal #2 (MicroGoal #1 was getting this post up).  I will make this goal tomorrow and post it as soon as I get it planned out...

Here we go...ready...set....GO!

Blue Like Jazz...

I just finished reading a book by Dennis Miller called 'Blue Like Jazz'.  I have actually heard about this book for years, but have never taken the time to pick it up and read it until recently.

About a month ago, my husband and I went to a Gungor concert.  For those of you who do not know who Gungor is....oh how much you are missing.  Look them up, you will thank me.  Before the concert started they showed a movie preview.  As I was watching this, there was something familiar about it...as the preview continued I stared to think....this is not....but it was.  They had made a movie based on the book 'Blue Like Jazz'.  That was it, I decided then and there to pick up the book and get to reading.

It took me a couple weeks due to my schedule to read the entire thing.  However, when I did have time to read I would do so in large chapter lumps - simply because it was so good.  This past weekend I finally finished it (Monday to be exact).

The only thing I regret about this book is that I did not read it sooner.  I could totally relate to the author in this book.  Not that my life was anything like his - but the struggles he had with his faith, were eerily similar.  It was uncomfortable at times, and at others very liberating.  I loved to read how he had struggled with and questioned much of what I had throughout my years.

There were some aspects of the book that gave me a connection of 'ah-ha'... made sense to me of those rumblings inside of me that I could not quite put into words.

One quote that I love is...

“I loved the fact that it wasn't my responsibility to change somebody, that it was God's, that my part was just to communicate love and approval.” 

How true is that?  How often do 'we' try to change people?  Convict people of what we see is wrong in their life?  When it is really God's responsibility to do that....we are commanded to love!

If you are looking for a good read, get 'Blue Like Jazz'.  You will not regret reading it!

Waking up in peace...

When life is difficult, stress usually manifests itself through my lack of sleep.  I can manage to fall asleep - not not stay asleep.  I am probably ver much in the majority on this, I'm sure.

However, last night was different.  I went to sleep, and even though I did wake up once around 3am, I did not stay awake and was able to return to sleep.  AND, that's not all...when I woke up - I woke up to scripture bouncing around in my head.  What an amazing way to wake up...

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

This means a lot to me.  Not that I have turned from God, but that I have not dedicated myself to truly "pray and seek his face".  I pray, and I ask his will - However, there is a difference in seeking something and asking someone to give you something. 

Tell me your will God, as apposed to I will 'seek' you out.  One is passive, the other is not.  One I sit back and wait, the other I yearn towards, seek out, actively take a part in.

Thank you God for this revelation.  I know I have to make my spiritual live more of an active way of life for me, rather than a passive, I will ask and then wait.

Let the next chapter begin....well soon...

I have had a smartphone in my hand since the early days...

Still awkward, yet very usable...this phone was never out of my reach....ever...

Then came its various replacements....

Then...

Then ultimately...

The one thing these four phones had in common?  The fact that they were always...always within reaching distance....at the farthest.

My hand would feel empty without it's fingers grasping them as I walk.  My thumb felt extremely abandoned when I had to go from the 'track-wheel' to the 'track-ball'...

I had my phone on my nightstand to sleep, woke up to it in the morning to check emails, facebook, twitter, instagram, you name it.

As soon as my butt hit some kind of resting device (regardless of my location) my hand would rise up and my eyes would meet with anticipated glory the wonderful colorful screen.

I had 24/7/365 access to my work, my world, my friends, my.....you name it.

Then it happened.  The unthinkable.  The unimaginable.  The.....ok Ill get to the point.  I realized....

I don't want to want you anymore.  I don't.  When did it happen? When did this love go wrong?  When did I stop loving you?

Fall #1

Well, first it was my job.  In August of this year I took the leap.  The jump from full-time corporate to semi-full time non-profit.

Fall #2

I realized that I do not have clients around the globe anymore.  I do not have to keep one eye on the phone (flashing red light for you Blackberry people) to see if it 'needs' me.

Fall #3

I started to realize how many conversations you DID manage to have face to face with a person was ruined because I already knew what was going on in their life....I knew their daughter just got an A on the mega report they had to turn it.  I knew she ran into a crazy dressed person at the store the day before.  I knew her blender died and she had to go buy a new one.  I knew she was having lunch with me....firstly because I was sitting across the table from her - and secondly because my iphone just buzzed to let me know we were 'checked-in' to the restaurant..together...

Fall #4

I could not name one thing that was necessary to which I used this device for....facebook....twitter....instagram...angrybirds....that crazy aligator water game?  What was I doing?

Finally.....Fall #5

Christmas...we bought an iPad...talk about redundancy!

So, it happened.  I have been talking about it for awhile and finally took the plunge yesterday.

I bought....a cell phone... GASP!!

Yup, the ordinary, no data plan necessary, just phone calls and text messages - no-email - cell phone.  I have not had one of these since - - - - 2003-4?!?

I decided that I did not want to want it anymore....

It's kind of liberating... and kind of scary.  I fight with the feeling that I am loosing a bit of my identity (as shallow as that is).  That I am about to become un-cool.  Old School....Old

My phone will be here in a few days, then I will be making the big switch.  I am both excited, and nervous.  However, one thing is clear.  The mere fact that I am having such a struggle with this - - tells me that it needs to be done.

Nothing, should have this much of a hold on me.

Here's to a new-simplified-untethered life.

when reality smacks you in the face

What do you do when reality smacks you right in the face, when you least expect it?  Well, it happened to me on Monday night.  Where I wont go into details here on the web, let me just say there was no way on earth when I woke up on Monday morning - I could have ever thought I would be dealing anything remotely related to my reality when I got home that evening.

It was a night of frustration, fear, uncertainty, worry, doubt....an emotional cornucopia if you will.

What got me through?  God...simple and straightforward...God.

He gave me the ability to stay calm, rational, and above all else...loving.

The only emotions that were not included in this bundle were hate, and anger.

Thank you God for providing, thank you for your hand so evident in the how the day played itself out.

Without you, our reality today - - would have been much different.  Of that, I am certain.