Heavy posts that challenge you to move...

I clicked on a blog post the other day, never realizing what an impact it would have on me.  As I read through the blog and hung on every word, I realized a few things about myself.  Things I am sure the author was not even considering when she wrote this post...but that affected me in my inner most depths.


I have been asked by friends, acquaintances, and even at times - my own children.


How can God allow such suffering in the world?  How can he look at the innocent children, and not do something?  How can he sit back in his heavenly realms and watch catastrophe strike the earth and thousands upon thousands affected by senseless acts of violence, natures fury, and heartless individuals?  Some even go so far as to say...If there really is a God, a God who can allow such suffering to go on - so many innocent children suffer at the hands of tyrants...I don't want to know him.


Until this blog post - these questions could only be answered one way by me...I would say...


We do not know the whole picture, only God does.  There is suffering in the world because there is sin, there are horrible people who choose to do unspeakable things because they have the ability to do that through free will.  God gave us the beauty that is free will, and some choose to use it for evil.  And, this earth is not our home, but merely a stopping place....


All well and good....then I read this blog post.  And, I realized something new.


The blog I am talking about is A Holy Experience by Ann Voskamp.  And, the post was 'The 1 Thing You Really Have to Know About Your Family'.  This post shook my very core.


I was reading along fine...then came to this paragraph...


I’m angry that I’ve seen and I’m ashamed that I am angry and I’m angry that I’ve seen and now I am responsible. More than respons-able – we’re response-bound.Once we have seen the poor, we are responsible — we will make a response. As long as your heart is beating, there’s no such thing as unresponsive. We all look into the face of the poor and it’s either Yes, I will help. Or no, I won’t.


What honest words.... admitting you are angry because you saw something, now knowing you have to act on that.  You simply can't say.... "I had no idea it was that bad", or "I didn't know what was going on oer there", you now know.


That started my decent into the rabbit hole that day.  I realized that my answer to the questions about God and why he allows suffering, and how he can just sit by an watch it...was...well...an easy answer.  I was saying...I don't know...No one knows God....We just sit here in our comfortable houses, drinking our fancy coffees, watching our latest guilty pleasure on high definition TV's, pinning pretty little things on Pinterest, planning our next vacation or girls night out...leaving that question up in the air like a balloon slowly losing its helium.   The elephant in the room, we dare not speak of...the cop out that will allow us to sleep at night.


I realized the answer to that question is not "I don't know".


When someone asks "How could a loving God create a world full of poverty and sadness and suffering and not do anything about it?" 


The answer is...He did…He created you and me ….and I don’t know why we are not doing anything about it…

Patience is more than endurance...

I can't believe it has been three months since I posted anything.  So much has gone on...thus the reason for lack of posts.  I was having a hard time juggling everything that was coming my way.  Let's see if I can sum it all up a bit...

• My son is going into the Air Force, a lot of prep for that, a lot going on.
• A very dramatic roller coaster of events and emotions regarding a person in our life, a relationship turned toxic...I never thought I would go through such a turmoil, personal, emotional...took it's toll.
• My daughter is heading into High-School....let me rephrase...My 'baby' Girl is heading into High School...happy/nervous all in one.
• My husband and I are making some much needed, very overdue changes in our lives for the better...however change is never easy and you realize that there are a lot of ancillary things that come along with change...never the less...it will all be good in the long run.

So, here I am.  In so many areas of my life I am not only outside of my comfort zone....in some areas I can't even see my comfort zone from where I am.  This is very scary, however God is brining me though this in ways I never knew he would.  In some ways they are small ones, little things - words of comfort, gestures of kindness that help you through the really tough moments. 

Some ways are a complete surprise to me.  Things like how pain can bring two people together, how sometimes the one thing that brings solace is not a resolution to a problem...but just knowing you are not alone.

I am working, every day, on learning how to lean more on God.  I am trying to find ways to fortify God in our family.  Ways to bring His truth into our lives.  Ways to help bridge the knowledge gap between the God of the Old Testament and the fulfillment of his promises with Jesus in the New Testament.

Things tumbling around in my mind are ways to educate the family on traditions of the Old Testament, to show how they point to the New - but it's all new to me so there is a huge learning curve here.

In any case.  This blog only continues to speak more and more about my life...about living outside of my comfort zone...about stretching yourself...learning more...reaching out...and even though I feel like a human piece of salt water taffy on the pull sometimes...I know it is for the good of me, my family, and  those in my life both now and in the future.

“Patience is more than endurance. A saint's life is in the hands of God like a bow and arrow in the hands of an archer. God is aiming at something the saint cannot see, and He stretches and strains, and every now and again the saint says--'I cannot stand anymore.' God does not heed, He goes on stretching till His purpose is in sight, then He lets fly. Trust yourself in God's hands. Maintain your relationship to Jesus Christ by the patience of faith. 'Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.” ― Oswald Chambers

when subtle does not work...

I have known for awhile that I have needed to lose weight and get in shape.  I have known.  I have told myself on a daily basis - sometimes more than one time a day - a lot of the time I thought of it at every meal with every bite.  I thought about it when I was hot, when I was cold, when I walked by a mirror or a reflective surface...ok you get it - It has been on my mind for awhile.

I have tried to be subtle with myself.  I have thought about diets, exercise....in theory.  I have tried to start a regimen or a diet but have soon after resorted back to the old way of doing things due to my schedule....or let's just be honest here....my lack of will power and drive.

So, what does this tell me?  Two things actually...

1. I am full of excuses and laziness.

2. Being in shape is so far outside of my comfort zone....I can't even really see it.....

Point #2 is the one that brings this home to me.  That is the reason I started this blog.  To find things outside of my comfort zone and then tackle them!

So, the question is...How do I start?

Answer:  I don't know.  And, that my friends is where I usually stay....at that one statement....frozen... paralyzed...then defeated and lost.


What I do know is...

- I do not want to start a fad diet that will fail.
- I do not want to try to become a buff athlete.
- I do not want to fail...

- I want to be healthy.
- I want to be a good influence on my children.
- I want to look back one year from today and see a change...for the better.
- I want to start...now...today...
- I want to succeed!!!

A few things that I have come across when trying to figure out what plan to follow is usually boils down to the cost.  Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Metafast, all of those plans are expensive.  They don't seem to be at first, but they add up...you see your grocery bill inflate to crazy levels.

Then I remember the acronym you hear in business all the time.... KISS

Keep It Simple...Stupid!

Portion Size.  Frequency.  Non-Processed.  Get Out There.

I know I will need to work on some tangible goals, micro-goals if you will to get me to the ultimate goal.  So, that will be my first step.  MicroGoal #2 (MicroGoal #1 was getting this post up).  I will make this goal tomorrow and post it as soon as I get it planned out...

Here we go...ready...set....GO!

Blue Like Jazz...

I just finished reading a book by Dennis Miller called 'Blue Like Jazz'.  I have actually heard about this book for years, but have never taken the time to pick it up and read it until recently.

About a month ago, my husband and I went to a Gungor concert.  For those of you who do not know who Gungor is....oh how much you are missing.  Look them up, you will thank me.  Before the concert started they showed a movie preview.  As I was watching this, there was something familiar about it...as the preview continued I stared to think....this is not....but it was.  They had made a movie based on the book 'Blue Like Jazz'.  That was it, I decided then and there to pick up the book and get to reading.

It took me a couple weeks due to my schedule to read the entire thing.  However, when I did have time to read I would do so in large chapter lumps - simply because it was so good.  This past weekend I finally finished it (Monday to be exact).

The only thing I regret about this book is that I did not read it sooner.  I could totally relate to the author in this book.  Not that my life was anything like his - but the struggles he had with his faith, were eerily similar.  It was uncomfortable at times, and at others very liberating.  I loved to read how he had struggled with and questioned much of what I had throughout my years.

There were some aspects of the book that gave me a connection of 'ah-ha'... made sense to me of those rumblings inside of me that I could not quite put into words.

One quote that I love is...

“I loved the fact that it wasn't my responsibility to change somebody, that it was God's, that my part was just to communicate love and approval.” 

How true is that?  How often do 'we' try to change people?  Convict people of what we see is wrong in their life?  When it is really God's responsibility to do that....we are commanded to love!

If you are looking for a good read, get 'Blue Like Jazz'.  You will not regret reading it!

Waking up in peace...

When life is difficult, stress usually manifests itself through my lack of sleep.  I can manage to fall asleep - not not stay asleep.  I am probably ver much in the majority on this, I'm sure.

However, last night was different.  I went to sleep, and even though I did wake up once around 3am, I did not stay awake and was able to return to sleep.  AND, that's not all...when I woke up - I woke up to scripture bouncing around in my head.  What an amazing way to wake up...

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

This means a lot to me.  Not that I have turned from God, but that I have not dedicated myself to truly "pray and seek his face".  I pray, and I ask his will - However, there is a difference in seeking something and asking someone to give you something. 

Tell me your will God, as apposed to I will 'seek' you out.  One is passive, the other is not.  One I sit back and wait, the other I yearn towards, seek out, actively take a part in.

Thank you God for this revelation.  I know I have to make my spiritual live more of an active way of life for me, rather than a passive, I will ask and then wait.

Let the next chapter begin....well soon...

I have had a smartphone in my hand since the early days...

Still awkward, yet very usable...this phone was never out of my reach....ever...

Then came its various replacements....

Then...

Then ultimately...

The one thing these four phones had in common?  The fact that they were always...always within reaching distance....at the farthest.

My hand would feel empty without it's fingers grasping them as I walk.  My thumb felt extremely abandoned when I had to go from the 'track-wheel' to the 'track-ball'...

I had my phone on my nightstand to sleep, woke up to it in the morning to check emails, facebook, twitter, instagram, you name it.

As soon as my butt hit some kind of resting device (regardless of my location) my hand would rise up and my eyes would meet with anticipated glory the wonderful colorful screen.

I had 24/7/365 access to my work, my world, my friends, my.....you name it.

Then it happened.  The unthinkable.  The unimaginable.  The.....ok Ill get to the point.  I realized....

I don't want to want you anymore.  I don't.  When did it happen? When did this love go wrong?  When did I stop loving you?

Fall #1

Well, first it was my job.  In August of this year I took the leap.  The jump from full-time corporate to semi-full time non-profit.

Fall #2

I realized that I do not have clients around the globe anymore.  I do not have to keep one eye on the phone (flashing red light for you Blackberry people) to see if it 'needs' me.

Fall #3

I started to realize how many conversations you DID manage to have face to face with a person was ruined because I already knew what was going on in their life....I knew their daughter just got an A on the mega report they had to turn it.  I knew she ran into a crazy dressed person at the store the day before.  I knew her blender died and she had to go buy a new one.  I knew she was having lunch with me....firstly because I was sitting across the table from her - and secondly because my iphone just buzzed to let me know we were 'checked-in' to the restaurant..together...

Fall #4

I could not name one thing that was necessary to which I used this device for....facebook....twitter....instagram...angrybirds....that crazy aligator water game?  What was I doing?

Finally.....Fall #5

Christmas...we bought an iPad...talk about redundancy!

So, it happened.  I have been talking about it for awhile and finally took the plunge yesterday.

I bought....a cell phone... GASP!!

Yup, the ordinary, no data plan necessary, just phone calls and text messages - no-email - cell phone.  I have not had one of these since - - - - 2003-4?!?

I decided that I did not want to want it anymore....

It's kind of liberating... and kind of scary.  I fight with the feeling that I am loosing a bit of my identity (as shallow as that is).  That I am about to become un-cool.  Old School....Old

My phone will be here in a few days, then I will be making the big switch.  I am both excited, and nervous.  However, one thing is clear.  The mere fact that I am having such a struggle with this - - tells me that it needs to be done.

Nothing, should have this much of a hold on me.

Here's to a new-simplified-untethered life.

when reality smacks you in the face

What do you do when reality smacks you right in the face, when you least expect it?  Well, it happened to me on Monday night.  Where I wont go into details here on the web, let me just say there was no way on earth when I woke up on Monday morning - I could have ever thought I would be dealing anything remotely related to my reality when I got home that evening.

It was a night of frustration, fear, uncertainty, worry, doubt....an emotional cornucopia if you will.

What got me through?  God...simple and straightforward...God.

He gave me the ability to stay calm, rational, and above all else...loving.

The only emotions that were not included in this bundle were hate, and anger.

Thank you God for providing, thank you for your hand so evident in the how the day played itself out.

Without you, our reality today - - would have been much different.  Of that, I am certain.