The woman in the picture

Last week we had a team building day.  It was fun, and I enjoyed it a lot.  However, when the pictures surfaces on Facebook...well that was hard. 

Who was that woman standing there?  I recognized her face, but not her body.  It was so large, so oafish... it was me.

The human mind is a complex and scary thing.  It can take a 100 lb woman and make her feel like she is obese, and it can take a woman who is way overweight and make her feel ok...

For the most part, when I look into the mirror I do not see this large woman.  However, if I glance at my reflection in a store mirror or shinny window...the image always disturbs me.

I have 'talked' about losing weight for years.  However, I continue in the same habits that have gotten me where I am now.

I have tried all kinds of diets and exercise to no avail.   I do not lose weight, then get busy with life and forget to prep food - get hungry - and reach for whatever is available to me.

What it boils down to is the horrible lack of self-discipline.  Honestly that's it.

So, staring at that picture of Facebook...of me...of that person...that shell...I had enough. 

My knees have been begging me to lose it, my hips have been begging me as well.  My body slowly but surely lacking the mobility it once had.  Simply snuggling up on the couch and tucking my legs beneath me is a chore - and will always result in my legs falling asleep.

My clothes just get tighter and tighter - something needs to give.

As I read through my own blog, I find a post back in April of this year.. 'When Subtle Doesn't Work', and I am shocked that I have let 4 months pass without doing much of anything.  Quite embarrassing honestly.  And, to be totally transparent - I did attempt to get going then.  I did the good grocery shopping and bought the right stuff - however preparation fell short and the cookies in the break-room called - and I answered.

Excuse, excuse - I know.

All I can say is - I need to pick myself up - jump back on the wagon - and give it a go.

Questions for any of you who read this.   Weight Loss?  What has worked for you?  Any tips/tricks encouragement from those who have been where I am now - is greatly appreciated!

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:13

The Ripple Effect...

Our lives spill into each other - really that is unavoidable.  The ripple effect happens in all of our lives.

When it first happens, or when we are close to the center it is the worst.  As time goes on the waters begin to settle - not quite back to how they were before...things may never be the same as they were before.

We find that we were carried a bit from the inertia of the ripple.  We look around to see that we did not end up exactly how or where we started when the event first took place and the waters in our lives were disturbed.

Sometimes, we end up in a better place - a place where we didn't even know we wanted to be - until we were there.

Other times it is very bitter sweet.  We miss where we were.  We loved it there.  We lost innocence, trust, security...all things that can easily be disturbed.

Sometimes, when we think we have finally began to feel like our lives are resembling some kind of normalcy - the waters are disturbed once again.

Sometimes by things we do, and sometimes by things done by others - totally outside of our control.

We had a bit of that happen in our family last night.

Someone we had not seen in a long time.  Someone who violently disturbed the waters of our family.  Someone who - not out of the intention to hurt - but simply so wrapped up in themselves - caused ripple effect in our family that touched each and every one of us.

What do you do?  The feelings that rush back...  The emotions that are stirred that had just finally settled...

You pray.  Pray that God will someday at some point reach this person.  Pray that the bitterness they have will be touched by the hand of God and his love.

This is important - however one of the most difficult things I have had to learn to do.

Pray - Just - Pray.

I use to think of it as a weak response, a cop out of sorts.

Then I realized how much strength that requires.

So, this morning as I type this - I ask God to calm the waters in my life.  In my husband's life.  In my daughters life, and in my son's life.

I ask God to speak to my family in love, remove blinders we may have to see his plan.

Learn to be quiet and listen for God's voice.

Exhale, and learn to ride the wave until the waters once again begin to still.

Fall-ing...

September 22nd.  That is the first day of fall for 2012.  Now, I live in Arizona - for those of you who do not know - we do not have four seasons as depicted on most calendars and cards.  I grew up here, so thinking about fall the way the rest of the country does - was strange for me.  However, once you live there - in that world - where leaves turn amazing colors and fall to the ground...you will never be the same.

So, here I am back in Arizona.  Changes in my live over the past 5 years have brought me out of the cold corporate culture of ladder climbing and social pursuit - and into the amazement of what is God's world.

I could so easily spend hours upon hours, days upon days, regretting everything I let slip away - the years of focus that was misspent. The moments I will never get back, because they are gone.  The things my religion of Work robbed me of - and I willfully and with enthusiasm let it.

If I do that though, I lose more.  At some point you need to acknowledge the things you have done wrong, ask forgiveness from those you hurt along the way, and then make that step over the boundary of your comfort zone to live different.  You have to make the choice to not spend one more day wasting your precious life on regretting the past or not trying each and every day to live your life to your fullest potential.

This point was brought to the forefront this morning when I got to work and I received the news that someone in our congregation had passed away in an accident last night.  I was not close to this person, I knew them and their family - however - that moment of realization again - of how each moment of our life may be our last.  He went out to run an errand, and was struck by a reckless driver.  He never came home.  His family, wife, children...  In a literal instant...everyone's reality was altered.

My deepest prayers go out to this family, as does the prayers of so many. 

No moment should go by without thought.  No time should be ignored.  No petty thing should take our focus off of the amazing gift of life we have been given.

This month, as we close out this season and prepare to enter another one.  I will allow myself to fall in love with it.  I will allow myself to look around my world and appreciate the oh so subtle way our surroundings will make a quiet transformation from one season to another. 

Hold on to the ones that I love.  Find ways to spend precious moments with them.  Special ways to make memories that will last long before this season of my life has passed.

I choose...

It's amazing how things happen sometimes.  You think you are prepared, you think you are going along just fine...or do we?

Last night as I was sitting on the couch, watching TV out of one eye and perusing the iPad with the other - - a thought came to me...just out of the blue...nothing to do with what I was watching or what I was looking at on the iPad...

What about me?

You see, I have made great strides in my spiritual walk of late.  I have spent more time in scripture and prayer, I have spent time meditating on verses and really working on my overall outlook on life.

So, why this thought?

Why now?  What does it mean?

I stopped for a bit and thought about it.  I looked at my life, and my schedule.  I had tapered off a bit.  I had once again let the mornings turn into a couple extra snooze button hits and a little less of a purposeful focus on my morning time with God.

Earlier in the day I had posted a picture to Facebook...sometime I saw a friend post and I liked it so much....so I reposted.

My mind drifted back to this post, hours later as I sit on the couch...

What would I have woken up with this morning if this happend?  What did I go to sleep last night thinking about?  What did I spend my day thinking about?  Thanking God for?

I felt a bit convicted.  Because, once again I felt the ever so slight slip into apathy happening.  It's always small at first, very very slight.

In fact, if you were to verbalize it to anyone they would say you were being silly and oversensitive.

However, that's how it starts.  What AM I thankful for?

I stopped and asked God to forgive me.  I thanked him for the reminder, the nudge if you will, before I wandered too far.  Before I found myself completely moving away from morning time with God, in his word.  Before I let my evenings run full on into my night - finding myself crashing form awake into exhaustion and bed without a quiet transition to thank God, to talk to him before I close my eyes for the night.

These thoughts went through my mind.  As I lay in bed I start to think about junk, stress, problems and I ask God to renew my mind - to speak peace into my heart.

The next thing I know, my husband is waking me up.  It's 3am.  He was heading into work and his car battery was dead.  He asked me what he should do....jump it....take the other car....what did I have planned...did I need a specific car?  All this was a quiet half sleeping conversation we had in a whisper.  We decided that he should just take my car and I would figure out the battery in the morning.  He left, I went back to sleep.

When I woke up, I realized.  I was not upset, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed...I was ok.  I arranged for school transportation, a jump and headed to get a new battery, then off to work.  It all worked out beautifully...really.  Why?

I think God was tapping my shoulder last night because he knew what my morning would entail.  He knew I had gotten busy and distracted lately, and knew my nerves were getting frayed, and I was getting tired.  He knew....I didn't what the morning was going to be like.

He whispered in my heart, prepared me for the morning.  He did what I needed before I knew I needed it.

He prepared me to wake up to focus on the things I have, the blessings I have been given, not the problems, temporary inconveniences and/or setbacks.

Thank you God for caring enough about me to give me this gift of your love. 

For this day...I choose...happiness.  Today I acknowledge how grateful I am, how thankful I am, how blessed I am.

Catch me if you can...

Do you ever feel like your life get's stuck in a free fall?   You have a little stumble, then trying to recover - you trip again - and from there on out it's a series of trips, staggers and bumbles until you either catch your balance on something - or you end up face down on the floor.

Well, that was me this weekend.  I tripped, then instead of catching myself - I got distracted and then my one trip turned into another, and another until I was free falling.

Somewhere between the last trip and the time you hit the ground...the free fall...is where you realize everything that had lead up to this point.  Every word, decision, action or inaction....and then it's too late.  You are full on..free falling with no ability to stop.  Your preverbal arms & legs flailing without purpose.

That's not a fun place to be...and the landing (when you do finally land) well usually its just as bad...sometimes worse.  Sometimes the landing will leave you with bruises that will take a while to heal...and even worse...sometimes you involve someone else in your landing and hurt them as well.

So, there I am...stuck in a free fall.  Mind racing, feeling like I have a blender lose in my gut, blood pressure raising...all together a bad feeling all around.

Then, what happens? Well, God happens.  That is, when you let him.

In the past, I would have continued on the free fall until I finally reached the bottom....blaming, pointing  fingers - to others - to God - to whoever I could...

This weekend...something different.

I heard God.  I know, I know... someone will have the thought pop in their head about what does God sound like, and how can you know it's God and not just yourself?

Well, all I can say about that is this...

God does not have a voice, but he has a voice.

God does not sound like me, or like anyone else.

God does speak to me, and many others though...

How do I know it's God.  Well, I didn't for a long time - and after awhile of ignoring this  "voice" I rarely heard it any more.  Some people will say - Oh, that's just your conscience speaking...not God.  But, there is something in me that tells me otherwise.

For instance.  This weekend.  Full-on Free Fall.  Flailing to blame, grab hold of any reason, etc....and with some ability to actually point to some people who were acting rude, insensitive, and wrong...I heard God....

He said to stop.  It's not them, its you.  It's your heart.  As long as you try to blame and point... you will continue to fall until you crash.  So, just stop.  Hold out your hands, and let Me catch you.  They are not your job, it's none of your business - what is your business is that you stop...let go...and reach out to Me.

Just stop.

As I am arguing with my daughter...just stop.

As I am boiling inside due to unmet expectations...just stop.

As I am feeling overwhelmed...just stop.

As I am letting anger, hurt, and bitterness seep in...just stop.

Just stop.

God can stop a free fall...a full-on free fall.  Without having to wait till you land.  He can stop it, and place you on the ground.

But, you have to let him.  You have to let him catch you by letting go of having to be right, having to make that person realize they are insensitive and rude, having to prove anything.

You have to let it go...let God...and Just Stop.

"The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become - because He made us.  He invented us.  He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be.  It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own." ~ CS Lewis.

Stormy weather...

When storms hit in nature - they are awesome and beautiful.  When they hit in my life...they are devastating and hard.

We received some news last night that kicked me in the gut.  I have been asking God to intervene ever since.  My heart is heavy and my faith is weak.  However, I will not cave.

I will not cave to the flesh.  I will keep my eyes on Jesus.  I will keep my faith, however flickering the flame is in the storm, lit.  I will not turn away.  I will not loose hope.  I will continue to know my God will provide.

If there is one thing that I am realizing through my journey - is that God is more powerful than anything.  He is not bound by any power.  His power is above all else.

This is hard for me to grasp.  Because, I think - how can he be above all - what about finances - what about institutions made by man who are under rules and regulations that were created by man and enforced by man....how can that be?

Then I realize - I will never understand it all.  God is beyond my understanding and grasp.  He is God.  He is.  There is really nothing else to say but that.

To even try to make sense of what he can and cant do....is futile.

Because it is not a question of what he can or cant do.  It is what he will or will not do.

And the reasons why he will or will not - well that is God.

Everything is under his power and dominion.

Thank you God.  Thank you for finally making me realize that if I could ever understand you, if I could ever figure you out....that would mean I would have to reduce you to my mind.  You are so far above anything I can comprehend.

I am still waiting to see how this situation will pan out.  But, I have faith in God that he is there, I am not alone, he hears my heart and he knows the plan.

I am still asking God to intervene, and I believe that he is working in ways I can not see.  If anything this situation, this problem, has for the first time in my life - brought me to the realization that he is there, he is here, he is with me - and I have to let it go to him that he knows best and will provide.

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow now reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father fees them.  Are you not of more value than they?  And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  Andy why are you anxious about clothing?  Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is live and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or  'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.  Matthew 6:25-34 (ESV)

Thanks interrupted...

Today has not started out the best.  First day back to school...First day of High School for my youngest...First start of the school year that my oldest was not heading to school...

The best laid plans of mice and...well me...did not go off as expected.  And, to my shame my daughter and I did not depart ways with smiles and hugs - but rather with frustration and irritability.

Was it all my fault...no...does fault even matter...no....not in this case...not when you are a mother.

We have since made up and the day is moving in the right direction.  Not because of any intervention...simply because I chose to not fight - and accept the day as it comes at me.  With thankfulness that I am able to be alive to even feel stress, or have my plans interrupted.

So, with that thought - I am putting aside the stress, the frustration - and saying Thank You God for a beautiful day.  For all the blessings you have bestowed on my family.  For the love and favor you have given us.  For the undeserved ways you have provided for us....Thank You.

On that thought - I will leave you with a favorite verse...

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you:  Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going to work, and walking around life - and place it before God as an offering.  Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.  Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.  Instead, fix your attention on God.  You'll be changed from the inside out.  Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.  Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity.  God brings the best out of you, develops well formed maturity in you.  Romans 12:1-2